So, first off, the reason for that lyrical quote is that it has shown me a kind of epiphany about the world. It has also insipred me to write a song about how I feel about everything that has happened in my world, and by God, I really do need a wish. A wish for what? Well, I'm not quite sure. I could wish for lots of things and I don't know if I'll be truely happy.
I don't think I would be as lonely if I had someone to call my own. It's hard to be me. I crave attention, I've been suicidal before, many times, and still think about it. I've actually tried to commit suicide once, and thought about how people would be happier without me because I feel like I'm a walking contradiction of myself. But I have learned, through Paulo Genitiano today actually, that maybe life would truely be lonely without me. He called me "a ray of sunshine" and that I can make people happy. I like to put a smile on the faces of others, and when I hurt people, it leaves a little scab on my heart. So, I guess the lesson here is that everyone should just take life as it is. Life sucks, and then you die. Josh Rutland taught me that through one of his songs.
If any of you are wondering abou tmy Fourth of July. Please don't ask. What happens at Inter-Continental, stays at Inter-Continental. It's just like Vegas my friends. You have to be there ;D
Also, I finally enrolled at my school. I am in the Design and Architecture Academy at Ferguson. The best part is, I have to do a required elective, and Choir was one of them. It's nice to know that this school has their priorities straight. Also, Ferguson offers FIVE different languages. Finally, a real choice. I could pick French, Italian, Russian, German, or Spanish. Feels great!!! But I had to choose Spanish because I already took two years of it. I really wanted to learn German. Or Russian. Or all of the above!!! I'm kind of sort of excited.
Even though the classes are huge at Ferguson, because of the division of the Academies, it won't feel as crowded as in Pearland. And I'm more surrounded by people who like the same things as me than just a bunch of people.
But what I am more excited for is that I am really hoping to start a band. Imagine me in a band. I am such an extravert, it makes sense. And I liek to believe I have a decent enough singing voice to pull it off, don't you think? I'm going to be famous. Somehow, someway.
What's not fun is that I have four books to read this summer and two months or less to read them. I haven't even heard of these books!! But I have heard of two of the authors, of course.
Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield
A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemmingway
On Writing by Stephen King
and
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
This sounds like so much fun! Let me tell you about it.....
What's also great about this school that I hated about Pearland is that all the sports are after school. So now I don't have to waste a class period on whatever sport I want to play and spend it doing something I really want to, but wouldn't be able to do if I had a sport as one of my classes.
Oh, and in case anyone cares, Josh Rutland just informed me that there was pretty much no way we were getting back together. He said he can't deal with instability and flying emotions. Ok, I understand that I'm emotional, but I'm not unstable. I am stable. I have relied on myself most of my life. I am stable. I might have screwed up, been screwed with, and screwed the wrong people, but I am NOT unstable. I'm just lost and I'm trying to find my way out of the hole I have dug myself into.
It seems that maybe I have lost some of my luster as well. I used to be bright and loving and in your face all the time. Now I have backed off a little bit, more reserved. Maybe that just shows that I have matured, or maybe it's a symptom of the depression I have never been treated for. But my depression only comes around when I'm alone. I have this craving for human attention and I can only be happy around people. And even though this is true, I find myself skipping out on human interaction and preferring to be in my own head. This can be dangerous because I had a bad addiction to cut myself when my negative emotions were too much for me to handle. If you leave me alone with my thoughts and a razor in reach long enough, I guarantee I will be bleeding. I'm not saying I don't have it under control, because now I do. Long enough now would be a couple days. Before when I was younger, the addiction was so bad that every negative thing said about me would send me running to a bathroom for a little slit on my wrist. This was especially true when I moved to Texas. This was also when I tried to commit suicide.
But if you look at me now, I'm healthier and happier you can say. I have only relasped a couple times, and I'm not proud of it, but I also didn't need proffessional help. I'm allowed to slip up. I'm only human.
People say I'm too open on my blog. That might be true, but I rather be honest and open than pretending everything is alright. And I also hope that my experiences will help others grow as well. I mean, I dont know if anyone is actually reading this, I just wanted to tell you that I'm here if you need help.
After all that nonsense, here's the hot topic of the day: Internet Relationships
I'll admit, when I was younger, maybe 11 or 12, I was victim of an internet relationship. It was stupid because I never met this guy, I will never meet this guy, and there's no way in hell I would meet this guy. It only lasted less than a week and I didn't learn anything. Well, except that internet relationships were the dumbest things in the world.
Let me tell you. Some people take this seriously. They question who the people are in the photos and accuse you of cheating and blah blah blah, but honestly, why does it matter? All you do is talk to him on the computer and/or text him. He doesn't REALLY know what you look like, and some people just feed out lies and more lies to cover their lies. I mean, sure, some people are honest, and sure some people do meet people online and get married. But that's not who I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the low life people that have nothing better to do than be online and ask people to be their boy/girl friend because they can't meet anyone in person. That's more pathetic than the guys who are addicted to porn! And it's funny how people actually take it seriously.
"Oh my god, you cheated on me!"
"Yeah, dickhead, with someone I know. I don't know you."
And sex if a small part of a relationship, right? What are you going to do, have phone sex? That's masterbating with moaning. Ugh... people, please, find real people to be with. You'll be happier. Trust me, I was a victim to this stupidity as well.
Relationship Status: Single for life apparently
Birthday: Sept. 25th
Contact me for news and gossip, or if you like what you read :D
Email: cookiekid93@yahoo.com
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