nemo saltat sobrius

Translation: Nobody dances sober

It's been a good couple weeks since my last post, and I'm sorry. It's been quite eventful at times, especially the weekends. The significance of this latin phrase is that there is none. Basically, I just like to say that nobody does anything with a completely sober mind, even if they are sober. They are drived by a force that intoxicates them, whether it's passion, love, or rage.

Last weekend was my father's birthday. He just turned 35. Congradulations! But I must say, father, with the utmost respect, that you are a very very grumpy young person. You act 60 more than you do 35, and no one believes it when you say your 31. I love you!
So for his birthday, we went to Naples. Saturday we hung out at the resort and played in the pool basically all day, then at night we had a fabulous party in one of the rooms. We danced intoxicated. Even I did, but I wasn't drinking. I was intoxicated with the need to feel whole. The need to feel a part of something and to get out of my mind for once. Then we went to chill out at the pool, but only a few of us, because my father went to bed early with my step mom. Sitting in that pool chair, staring at the stars, I wondered if anyone else saw the beauty I saw, and for as much as I wish I could have stared at the cosmos longer, my father called me to come back to the room to sleep. It was 2:34am. I was not tired, just feeling alone.
On sunday, we went to the beach. I almost forgot how beautiful the beaches were there. And I have to admit, the ice cream cake tasted better today than the night before. The sun and the beauty made everything better. I didn't even care that the kids almost drowned me! (Those dang gooselings!!)
It was a wonderful day, and I wish it could have lasted forever.

Monday wasn't great. My step mom wanted me to babysit and I didn't think it was fair. She always asked me if I was ok with babysitting, and I always say "yeah, that's fine" because I'm a nice person. I never want to be expected to do something, especially something that I don't get paid for doing. See, last summer my step mom told me she was going to pay me to babysit Melanie (my little sister) and Denise (her little sister) and I never saw a dime, so of course I was mad that she wanted to leave them here so I can babysit them. I'm not crazy. I don't want to be taken advantage of, because I have been, and it's not fun. You tell me, was I crazy to tell her no when she wanted me to babysit without asking?
Of course she was mad at me and ignored me the rest of the day.

This weekend was fun too, after my father got the boat completely fix. I fell asleep at the beach waiting. It was a nice nap. We boated at night and we had a fabulous time!!
Yesterday, we took the boat out for the whole day. By the end of the day, I was exhausted. We went out for dinner and afterwards, the girls asked if they could sleep over my dad's house. At this time, I then offered to babysit, thinking my step mom was over what happened last week, but I was wrong. She laughed as if I was joking, and I will admit, I was very pissed. When I told her that I like to be asked to babysit or offer to, I don't mind and she said "no, I don't want to talk about it," so I left to the car. That was very rude, in my opinion, and I felt very humiliated. I wanted to do something nice for her, because she's done nice things for me, and she shot me down by laughing in my face. That is the last nice thing I'll ever offer her if all she's going to do is laugh at me.

Today, I spoke to Josh Rutland for the first time in weeks. See, yesterday I texted him about a dream I had of him and how much I was sorry, and he texted back "It's over. Leave me alone. You messed up, deal with it." I forced myself the whole day not to cry, and magically I did. This morning he texted me, apologising for what he had said, and I appreciate that. But then I also found out that he had a girlfriend, and he never told me. I wonder why it was so easy for him to move on and I still fight the urge to cry when someone talks about him. Maybe he is right and I'm just too damn emotional. He said he was going to give me a second chance, but I don't know if that's ever going to happen because there's no way in hell he's going to break up with his girlfriend for me, and I don't expect him to. He was just saying it to make me feel better, but I feel worse.
So, I think I'm going to go to my grandmother's house or something to get my mind off of everything. I'll even get to see my son Shark again. I bet he's gotten huge. I want to find happiness, so hopefully I will.

Today's hot topic: Trolling
For those of you who don't know, trolling is a term used by people online when they are mean to other members of a website or message board, and such. I've experienced trolling first hand a few years back when I used a Green Day message board, and this girl, I honestly can't remember her name, started bashing me for no reason at all, saying that I was invading her conversation and such like that. I brushed it off, because it doesn't really mean anything. It's just a feud online.
But then I was the one trolling now on Vampire Freaks. Here, I'm just going to use fake names to protect those involved since I don't really know them, but basically there was a girl, Jessica, and she posted a video about how she's pregnant and this guy, Jason, left or something and messed up her life. She said that she was going to call the cops on him and charge statutory rape if he doesn't call her. Me, and a lot of other people, started to bash her, and she retaliated with a really bizzar story about how she grew up, which it mostly sounds fabricated for sympathy. Then she made a video of her crying and apologising to this guy because he wouldn't pick up the phone. Of course we all made fun of her because of that too, and in my signature, I have an icon of her crying, because to me, it was just pathetic. In my opinion, I don't understand why he would go back to her, but I think he did? Anyways, that's not the point, because with Jessica gone, I was the next victim. Sure, I deserved to have gotten yelled at because of my innappropriate use of emotes on that site, but damn, Heather, as I will call her, was quick to try to ban me from the cult. For whatever reason I was the administrator, and of higher rank than her, I don't know why, so she couldn't. Instead, I got demoted and now I'm just a member, but I didn't appreciate that she mad a poll asking if she SHOULD ban me. Lucky for me, everyone who voted said no. They just all said that I should be off staff, and I agreed. I didn't care if I was a staff member for that cult. All the most active members are trolls.
The most interesting part of this though, is that my friend had a conversation and apparently she was threatened to stop trolling or she was going to get deleted and banned from the website!! Everyone, including me, that were friends with her laughed and backed her up, but there were a couple that were like "ohhh trolling is stupid, you should really stop!" And in all reality, trolling will never stop. People get pissed off at people all the time. People troll online, people troll in real life, everyone is a troll. Even the nicest of people trolled once or twice, so this is where I say that people need to grow a pair and get over it. People are mean. Even your friends are mean. Family members are mean. You can't expect everyone to be nice. Yes, if you're a victim of trolling, it hurts, but just know that you, in some way, shape, or form, are a troll too.

Movie Review!!
So the weekend after my last post, we saw a movie!


Despicable Me
Rating: 8 and 3/4 out of 9 stars
This movie is about an evil villan who adopts 3 girls to assist in his evil plan. As he got to know the girls, he started to love them and be a father towards him. There's also another evil guy that's trying to steal his plan. That's basically the story line without giving up too much information. I really want you guys to go see it!!!! Sorry if my reviews suck, but this was a really funny movie, so you sould go see it and laugh your ass off!

Relationship status: Lonely
Birthday:
Contact me for news and gossip, or if you like what you read :D
Email: cookiekid93@yahoo.com
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Phone Number: Ask Ask Ask!

"I could really use a wish right now"

So, first off, the reason for that lyrical quote is that it has shown me a kind of epiphany about the world. It has also insipred me to write a song about how I feel about everything that has happened in my world, and by God, I really do need a wish. A wish for what? Well, I'm not quite sure. I could wish for lots of things and I don't know if I'll be truely happy.

I don't think I would be as lonely if I had someone to call my own. It's hard to be me. I crave attention, I've been suicidal before, many times, and still think about it. I've actually tried to commit suicide once, and thought about how people would be happier without me because I feel like I'm a walking contradiction of myself. But I have learned, through Paulo Genitiano today actually, that maybe life would truely be lonely without me. He called me "a ray of sunshine" and that I can make people happy. I like to put a smile on the faces of others, and when I hurt people, it leaves a little scab on my heart. So, I guess the lesson here is that everyone should just take life as it is. Life sucks, and then you die. Josh Rutland taught me that through one of his songs.

If any of you are wondering abou tmy Fourth of July. Please don't ask. What happens at Inter-Continental, stays at Inter-Continental. It's just like Vegas my friends. You have to be there ;D

Also, I finally enrolled at my school. I am in the Design and Architecture Academy at Ferguson. The best part is, I have to do a required elective, and Choir was one of them. It's nice to know that this school has their priorities straight. Also, Ferguson offers FIVE different languages. Finally, a real choice. I could pick French, Italian, Russian, German, or Spanish. Feels great!!! But I had to choose Spanish because I already took two years of it. I really wanted to learn German. Or Russian. Or all of the above!!! I'm kind of sort of excited.
Even though the classes are huge at Ferguson, because of the division of the Academies, it won't feel as crowded as in Pearland. And I'm more surrounded by people who like the same things as me than just a bunch of people.
But what I am more excited for is that I am really hoping to start a band. Imagine me in a band. I am such an extravert, it makes sense. And I liek to believe I have a decent enough singing voice to pull it off, don't you think? I'm going to be famous. Somehow, someway.
What's not fun is that I have four books to read this summer and two months or less to read them. I haven't even heard of these books!! But I have heard of two of the authors, of course.
Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield
A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemmingway
On Writing by Stephen King
and
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
This sounds like so much fun! Let me tell you about it.....
What's also great about this school that I hated about Pearland is that all the sports are after school. So now I don't have to waste a class period on whatever sport I want to play and spend it doing something I really want to, but wouldn't be able to do if I had a sport as one of my classes.

Oh, and in case anyone cares, Josh Rutland just informed me that there was pretty much no way we were getting back together. He said he can't deal with instability and flying emotions. Ok, I understand that I'm emotional, but I'm not unstable. I am stable. I have relied on myself most of my life. I am stable. I might have screwed up, been screwed with, and screwed the wrong people, but I am NOT unstable. I'm just lost and I'm trying to find my way out of the hole I have dug myself into.

It seems that maybe I have lost some of my luster as well. I used to be bright and loving and in your face all the time. Now I have backed off a little bit, more reserved. Maybe that just shows that I have matured, or maybe it's a symptom of the depression I have never been treated for. But my depression only comes around when I'm alone. I have this craving for human attention and I can only be happy around people. And even though this is true, I find myself skipping out on human interaction and preferring to be in my own head. This can be dangerous because I had a bad addiction to cut myself when my negative emotions were too much for me to handle. If you leave me alone with my thoughts and a razor in reach long enough, I guarantee I will be bleeding. I'm not saying I don't have it under control, because now I do. Long enough now would be a couple days. Before when I was younger, the addiction was so bad that every negative thing said about me would send me running to a bathroom for a little slit on my wrist. This was especially true when I moved to Texas. This was also when I tried to commit suicide.
But if you look at me now, I'm healthier and happier you can say. I have only relasped a couple times, and I'm not proud of it, but I also didn't need proffessional help. I'm allowed to slip up. I'm only human.

People say I'm too open on my blog. That might be true, but I rather be honest and open than pretending everything is alright. And I also hope that my experiences will help others grow as well. I mean, I dont know if anyone is actually reading this, I just wanted to tell you that I'm here if you need help.

After all that nonsense, here's the hot topic of the day: Internet Relationships
I'll admit, when I was younger, maybe 11 or 12, I was victim of an internet relationship. It was stupid because I never met this guy, I will never meet this guy, and there's no way in hell I would meet this guy. It only lasted less than a week and I didn't learn anything. Well, except that internet relationships were the dumbest things in the world.
Let me tell you. Some people take this seriously. They question who the people are in the photos and accuse you of cheating and blah blah blah, but honestly, why does it matter? All you do is talk to him on the computer and/or text him. He doesn't REALLY know what you look like, and some people just feed out lies and more lies to cover their lies. I mean, sure, some people are honest, and sure some people do meet people online and get married. But that's not who I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the low life people that have nothing better to do than be online and ask people to be their boy/girl friend because they can't meet anyone in person. That's more pathetic than the guys who are addicted to porn! And it's funny how people actually take it seriously.
"Oh my god, you cheated on me!"
"Yeah, dickhead, with someone I know. I don't know you."
And sex if a small part of a relationship, right? What are you going to do, have phone sex? That's masterbating with moaning. Ugh... people, please, find real people to be with. You'll be happier. Trust me, I was a victim to this stupidity as well.

Relationship Status: Single for life apparently
Birthday: Sept. 25th
Contact me for news and gossip, or if you like what you read :D
Email: cookiekid93@yahoo.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/nevermakeawish
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MSN: upthetight224@hotmail.com
Phone Number: Ask for it!